NEW YEAR RESOLUTION
I have a love-hate relationship with New Year’s Resolutions, perhaps because of my track record of keeping them. But in the spirit of the season I have followed the unwritten rules and settled on a goal:
In 2025 I will use all of my gift cards.
World changing, I know.
Gifts from family and friends, my gift cards used to sit tucked inside my wallet, ready for immediate use. But as the number grew, the plastic cards spilled out of their small pocket and after spending months swimming in the bottom of my purse, I moved them to a file folder in my desk, conveniently creating a place for new gift cards as they arrived.
Years into this clever filing system, I now have a bulging file filled with opportunities for free food, free clothing, free shopping and free experiencing. I have Visa cards, restaurant cards and cards for both online and in-person shopping. I could visit most stores in my area and eat at many of the restaurants I enjoy, all thanks to the kindness of friends and family.
And yet they sit.
While there is a slight inconvenience in using these plastic offerings, or at least in remembering to use them, I’m aware there is a subtle, deeper reason mine have accumulated over time - if I use the gift cards, they will no longer be there if I need them in the future.
The pleasure of spending the gift now opens the door to the pain of lack later.
Protection, not enjoyment is the goal.
Who knew gift cards could be so profound.
As a child who grew up knowing aspects of poverty, I am aware that I struggle against the fear of lack and want. Despite the fact that I can rationalize that I am no longer in need, my mind still finds itself determined to protect.
As if a response to a vaccine, my body has experienced lack and now mounts an automatic response at any possible threat. I’ve seen it at work before, heard it in my grown voice as I stop my husband from sending an item to Goodwill while maintaining, “we really might need this someday.”
God bless the poor man on ‘clean out’ days. Letting go of stuff is often a work in progress for me and likely a cause for counseling. My husband knows to tread lightly when we purge, but despite all the head knowledge and reason that I hold, the little girl inside still gets scared.
Poverty leaves a mark.
And the mind needs to be reminded that it need not fight against past wounds.
And so this coming year I will spend my gift cards. Which is to say I will stand with the little girl and remind her that the fear of lack sits in the past. I will embrace the gifts as enjoyment for today, refusing to let the future be dictated by what has already been.
It feels silly and powerful all at the same time.
Who knew a piece of plastic could carry so much weight?
Who knew healing could run so deep?