MOURN SMALL

I am still healing and frustrated at the inadequacy of my body. Why can’t I just do this simple thing? my mind whines. 

Don’t beat yourself up, I hear my inner friend say, Your body won’t always feel this way. Yes, I hear my quick reply, but right now this sucks.  Yes, yes it does, she smiles, yes, it most certainly does. I wonder how many times I’ve needed to let similar words be spoken over my soul.

Don’t beat yourself up, my friend, your heart will not always feel this pain.

Your emotions will not always feel this torn.

Your mind will not always feel this confused.

Your inner being not always feel so lost.

Your life will not always be so broken. 

Yes, but right now this sucks. Yes, yes it does, my friend, yes it most certainly does.

In the rush to bring cheer to everyone surrounding us, in the dash to pull others as quickly as possible from pain, in our unwillingness to endure another’s mourning just one second longer, have we forgotten how to rest in the mire ourselves?

Have we forgotten how to admit when things are hard? Have we forgotten that by admitting they are hard, we are not weak?

I love the sunny days of the soul, the moments in life where everything feels as it should be. I can feel the heat on my skin, tilt my head at the blazing light and know that warmth emanates from within. I want everyone to live in the sunny times of life. Every. Single. Moment.

But this is not reality.

And I’d argue it’s not healthy to think it is so.

Cultures and times other than mine have done, and continue to do it differently. Death and loss are cause for elaborate displays of mourning. Torn clothes, painted faces, wailing that is welcome and loud. As for me, I’m hoping I can stuff this all down and hurry back to work.

And the gravity of the differences in mourning is not saved for the extreme moments of life. In the hurry-up-and-get-it-together culture I embrace, I have taught myself that there is no time for the little moments of loss, no time to acknowledge the tiny slivers that dig and hurt. I push and ignore and move until I have suddenly ‘lost it’ for a reason I cannot begin to comprehend, the collective small cracks in the dam finally erupting in an unpredictable and irrational manner.

And this is why mourning matters.

This is why taking time to acknowledge loss counts. Not just the big ones, but the small ones, too. The moments in the day when that hope was tarnished, the moments when that feeling was hurt, the moments when life did not play out as it should be.

This is why we would be wise pay attention to the small cries of our soul, before they become combined echos beyond what a heart can sort.

What was your loss today? What happened that was not okay? Where did you fail? Where did someone else fail you? It does matter, regardless of how small. Listen to the heart, my friend, and stop to allow the moments of mourning.

No, your heart will not always feel such pain, your emotions will not always be this torn, your life will not always feel this broken. 

Your strength is not lost, you will rise again. 

But for right now this sucks, and leaning into mourning will guide your heart through. Strength and weakness, wins and losses, celebration and mourning - all multiple truths held in tension to release the ultimate superwoman.

All multiple sides of the same coin of what it means to be her. Of what it means to be you.